Processing Pregnancy Loss - Healthy Ways To Begin Healing
And How To Support A Loved One That Has Suffered A Loss
The trauma of pregnancy loss is complicated. Mourning a life that you have never met (in the traditional sense) doesn’t always resonate with someone who has not experienced it themselves. If the loss is early in a pregnancy, a woman may have not shared with others that she was pregnant and not want to burden others with her pain. It’s common for someone who has lost a pregnancy to isolate in her grief, ignore her pain, and pressure herself to move on without properly processing grief.
Sadly, pregnancy loss in the first 12 weeks is not uncommon. About 10-15% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage and the loss can be traumatic and complex. Each woman, or couple, who experiences the pain of pregnancy loss will grieve differently but working through that grief is important. In this post I discuss some ways to process that grief in a healthy way to move toward healing.
Related Read: They Were My Babies, a personal essay on loss
Express your feelings - find a safe place to talk through what you are feeling without reservation. This could be with a partner, a therapist or coach, or a support group. Vocalizing our feelings can be an outlet for expressing difficult emotions and an important part of healing. Some women finding journaling to be therapeutic while working through their grief.
Don’t move on before you are ready – If it was a planned pregnancy, you may be in a hurry to try again, but it’s important to work with your doctor to know if your body is physically ready for another pregnancy. Only you can know if you are emotionally ready to try again but try not to pressure yourself into trying again. Feel confident that you have processed your loss and continue to work on your healing being patient with yourself and understanding that it may take some time.
Related Read: Managing Anxiety With Pregnancy After Loss
Understand the loss is not your fault – Over half of pregnancy losses are caused when the embryo develops the wrong number of chromosomes. The embryo will often stop developing and die within the first trimester.
Have faith in your future – While the baby you lost can never be replaced, it is possible you can go on to have a healthy pregnancy. Only about 1 in 100 women will have recurring miscarriages. When the time is right and you feel physically and emotionally ready to try again, the odds are good that you will succeed.
Remember that you are not alone – Pregnancy loss can be a very lonely grief but support groups (both in person and online) are available to talk with other’s that have also experienced similar trauma. It can be helpful to many women to talk with others and share their similar feelings. A sense of community is often very comforting.
Prioritize your physical wellness - After pregnancy loss, there could be physical impact such as bleeding, abdominal cramps, headaches, and breast soreness. It’s important to take care of yourself by drinking lots of water, resting your body and abstaining from rigorous exercise to give your body an opportunity to heal. Communicate with your doctor your physical symptoms and how they can be managed.
How can you help someone who has suffered a loss?
If someone you care for has experienced a loss, there are ways to offer comfort and support. Remember, everyone experiences this pain differently and it may take time for them to know what they need to heal.
Tell them that you are there for them and want to be supportive. It may be difficult for your loved one to talk about the pain they have experienced but they will appreciate knowing that you are there for them.
Remind them it is not their fault. Many women who suffer a pregnancy loss experience significant guilt. They may know in their head that the loss was not their fault but in their heart they may feel shame. Hearing the words that they are not to blame is helpful in working through this difficult emotion.
Allow them to talk through their feelings and simply listen. You may be tempted to offer advice or suggestions on how to grieve but unless they ask for that, just listen.
Validate their feelings – A pregnancy loss is complicated and emotionally messy. A woman processing the complex feelings may just need validation in her sadness and pain. Recognize how difficult this is for them and that they aren’t just mourning their pregnancy but all their hopes and dreams they had for their child.
Related Read: Connecting With Your Partner While Trying to Conceive
What not to say:
Don’t say anything that starts with ‘At least…’
Don’t ask when they plan to try again
Don’t suggest everything happens for a reason
Don’t suggest they rush their recovery
